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Long introspective post about my life follows... you might want to skip it.
It pays not to think about the past too much. However sometimes I think it's good --- not to think about the past for the past's sake, but to focus your thoughts about what you want from the future. After all, it's only the future that we can change.
I'm 29.9 years old at the moment and this weekend, for the first time in a long time, I don't feel any pressure from work. So I figured it would be a good time to do this. Where have I been and where do I want to go?
A long time ago I decided that I didn't want to live the life of everybody else. I had dreams, dreams that I wanted to live. Everybody has dreams, but not everybody wants to actually live their dreams. Their dreams become their private fantasy; not an actively sort reality.
As a child I wanted to be an inventor and an artist. I wanted to explore new planets, live in a mansion on a mountain top, fly a space ship around and build a thinking machine. I wanted to have a family, a beautiful wife and to fall in love. I wanted to be rich enough to be free. I somehow lost this vision when I was around 15. I still had drive though, I wanted to get ahead. I did quite a few things that are quite impressive and took a lot of effort. Nevertheless the dream slowly faded and by the end of my masters degree I went into a everyday normal kind of a job programming computers for some nondescript company. But I still had passion deep down inside of me and it was eating at my soul. I needed out.
In a life changing period I quit my job even though I had very little money and decided to take on the world for better or worse. 1 year later I was living in New York, earning 4 times as much money and getting paid to build a thinking machine with a bunch of amazingly talented people. Since then I've worked on other thinking machine projects, traveled to countries that I'd hardly even dreamed of visiting and am now the only student of somebody who I think is going to be famous in a thousand years time for his theoretical work on super intelligent machines. I look out of my window and see a beautiful Swiss lake and mountains with stunning Swiss-Italian buildings around the place. When I need some new clothes or to see a ballet I just pop down to Milan for the day. Don't get me wrong, I've got nothing to complain about. Life has been good to me and I am truly thankful.
To think about where I want to go from here I need to think about where I haven't been. I need to focus for a second on what isn't right, or at least what could be better. I don't want to get down on myself, because I've done plenty of that in the past. I just need to be clear about what needs attention in my life. It comes down to two things:
Health. I need to work on this. I've had a few periods in my life where I haven't been taking care of myself. Stress is a big problem for me at times and my health suffers. This is something I can work on and with my PhD going a bit better now I'm hoping my stress levels will start to be healthy again.
Relationships. This is the big one. 30 years of life and if I took all my relationship experience and added it all together and multiplied by 10 I'd still get zero. Ok, that's a slight overstatement. I have actually gone on a few dates. All the girls I've ever dated still like me "as a friend", so I'm not a monster. But as for that whole sphere of human experience that is beyond just being friends, my life draws a total blank. I've had strong feelings for girls before and once I'm sure I even fell in love. But the feelings have never been reciprocated. I have had younger girls have crushes on me, but again that's not what I'm talking about. Girls just "really really like" me "but only as a friend". And I can't be all that ugly either because if I go to parties women often indicate that if I was wanting to take them home for the night they would be willing. But I don't want this, I never have. I want a girl to love.
In a strange way this has actually been something of a blessing though. I wouldn't have done the things that I've done if I had a partner. I seem to flit around the world and set up somewhere new in the blink of an eye. Trying to drag some poor girl with me all the time would be a disaster. The thought of leaving a girl I loved to chase a childhood dream would just tear me apart totally. To be honest I probably couldn't do it. I'd probably give up on my crazy personal dreams to be with her. If I'd met a nice girl way back when I was 20 in small town New Zealand I'd still be there doing some everyday job rather than chasing dreams like I am now. So oddly, while I have cursed this aspect of my life so much over the years it's actually something of a subtle blessing that I never expected.
However it's time now for this to change. It really needs to change because I'm sure that I'm missing out on much that is important in life. Two things weigh on my mind here. Firstly, women that are an appropriate age for me have been having relationships for around ten years while I on the other hand haven't got a clue. This bothers me quite a bit but it seems to bother the girls a lot more... in fact it totally freaks them out. (I speak from a number of experiences on this one) This switches on the "you're a wonderful guy but only as a friend" in full force. I have no idea how to deal with this aspect. My only solution seem to be to meet a girl who doesn't care about this, but that could be difficult. In my experience many say they don't care but when it actually knocks on their door they decide that it really does matter. The other issue is that my heart seems to be very cold these days. It's been beaten up a number of times and was a little on the sensitive side to start with. It's just sort of shut down now and it's been a long time since I felt anything much. It's sort of numb and in hiding I think. Hopefully it can come back to life and dare to love again. It's been two years since of felt anything which is a little bit of a concern. It must still be there somewhere, it used to love so much easier ten years ago.
So that's my past for better or worse. And I think it clearly points out what is going right in my life and what is not. Health I think I can fix, but I really need to get off my ass and do something about it to get fitter and control my stress levels etc... As for love. Not sure what I can do about this. I see a big problem alright, but after all this time I really have no idea what to do. 15 years after my friends started having girlfriends the "wait and see" or the "it will happen when you least expect it" approaches don't carry any weight with me anymore. The problem stands before me and I see no solutions. Maybe somehow I will find a way. How I don't know.
Reading this over now it is, as best as I can possibly see right at the moment, an honest take on my life. All in all I have nothing to complain about. I've made my choices and learnt from some of my mistakes. I been to a lot of places and seen and done quite a few interesting things. I hope the next ten years of my life are at least as eventful.
Shane
September 27 2003, 17:30:59 UTC 8 years ago
a blessing
Yes.Teach me how to be like you. [ :
September 28 2003, 05:07:44 UTC 8 years ago
What about me would you like to be more like?
September 28 2003, 14:01:47 UTC 8 years ago
Oh yeah, and the trading love for dreams.
September 28 2003, 14:22:41 UTC 8 years ago
September 28 2003, 02:15:38 UTC 8 years ago
I too have had a nill health with the work stress.
One of the nice things about life is it's easy to change. Though we have bars and mental walls we confine our movement in, they are often illusionary. Nobody but you is going to be dramatically hard on you if you decide to skip school and go wayfaring or find 'twoooh wove"
Keep you chin up :) your not alone, your never alone :)
September 28 2003, 05:48:04 UTC 8 years ago
Thanks for your feedback.
September 28 2003, 13:55:08 UTC 8 years ago
September 28 2003, 14:10:55 UTC 8 years ago
Do what cha love, it's what your best at usually.
well what I say is Fucqem or Fuhgettabout em. Unless your a complete idiot, you should be allowed to make your own decisions and learn from your own mistakes. Regret over not exploring is a much worse future than having explored the wrong path and finding such. IMOSeptember 28 2003, 03:04:59 UTC 8 years ago
I don't have a magic wand and my crystal ball is broken atm, I wish I could tell you that you will find the love of your life and be happy for evermore (or even 10 years), but I can't. But you are following your heart and by doing that you will continue to grow in ways which might not have been possible and through that you will find love - and most likely a deeper love as I am sure that you know, the more you know and understand yourself, the more you can love another. Having limited knowledge of women and relationships doesn't mean that you don't know about or how to love, the battle scars of your heart show that.
There are people out there, it is just that they too are feeling the same way and it becomes difficult to find each other and even then, it is not certain that they are the one for you - I am shoddy at maths (I am a words person instead :) but if you take the group of people who follow their passions, then there is going to be a smaller probability of you finding someone who is right for you - if you get my meaning.
So what to do now? Well I think that you are doing very well... you can't force yourself to love, or to find love for that matter - I mean you can kiss as many frogs as you like and the end of the day, they could all still be frogs because the frog princess is off following her own passions for the moment, but it doesn't mean that it won't happen - she might be the one to kiss you.
Hope that this helps :)
Nicola
September 28 2003, 06:16:51 UTC 8 years ago
"it is not certain that they are the one for you - I am shoddy at maths "
I should put together a simple mathematics test for potential dates to sit. It would comprise of about ten questions of about second year university level mathematics. Some algebra, some calculus and perhaps a little statistics. If they can answer more than one question correctly they fail!
.... sorry, but I couldn't resist a little side remark!
September 28 2003, 06:20:46 UTC 8 years ago
September 28 2003, 12:16:28 UTC 8 years ago
For the most part, the reason I've never had a relationship was:
* About 20% of women of the right age are attractive enough, but only about 5% are attractive enough to make me go out of my way.
* With those 5% (a lot of women), I have struggled with insecurity and poor self-esteem (due to being a weird teenager, bullying, etc.) so I didn't carry myself like a confident man.
Also, I have "respected" women too much, and have acted like a eunuch. I think a good exercise is to consciously act totally shameless, etc. Find the asshole within. That's why drinking works for so many. Over time, this becomes more natural and you become more smooth. "In this game, acting IS being"
By the way, if the young girls have a crush on you, you can just go along with it, and you'll become more confident having played the game a little more. Easier said than done.
September 28 2003, 14:29:49 UTC 8 years ago
Surely there must be a community for the romantically-challenged already? It not, we really should start one!!
September 28 2003, 15:12:29 UTC 8 years ago
It takes more of a man to be kind and thoughtful, than it is to be an asshole and treat women withough respect.
September 28 2003, 15:38:29 UTC 8 years ago
The real problem, perhaps, is that us "nice guys" have been taught that we shouldn't display our sexuality unless it has been explicitly indicated to us that we can. "assholes" however don't care and so don't have this problem.
Of course there are exceptions to every rule, but in my experience at least the exceptions to this rule are very very rare. Even women who say they aren't like this often are. They often have quite a few really nice male friends but somehow end up dating guys who aren't all that nice to them. My sister is one such rare example. She's tall, blonde and has a great figure and turned down tons of guys until she met a little geeky guy who's honestly just about the nicest person you could ever meet. So the exceptions do exist, but I don't see a lot of them.
(Hmmm.... there is a woman crying on the balcony on the floor above me. I feel kind of bad just sitting here hearing her cry like this... but what can I do. She probably doesn't even speak English. Hmmm.)
September 29 2003, 04:16:25 UTC 8 years ago
So, you meet a woman who you like, the first indication is communication - if you can talk all night with her then it shows that you are stimulating their brain enough to provide a base for a relationship. Naturally, there is also attraction, although you have to remember that sometimes someone really attractive, once you have a conversation with them they become ugly - it also works the other way round, that if someone is plain, and you start talking to them and they become more attractive as they almost romance your brain - stimulate it, being able to laugh and importantly spend time together outside the bedroom. Throughout this time there is no way in which the sexuality of a male can be suppressed, it is always there - it is just a case of whether a woman wants to recognise it. From that it doesn't mean that you are doing anything wrong, it is just that she doesn't want to reciprocate.
From personal experience, the few relationships that I have had started with this 'spark' and most importantly I wasn't (and never have been) 'out on the pull'. Once you get past the sexual attraction, you have to be attracted to their brain as well because that lasts a lot longer!
I have some nice male friends and would not consider dating someone if they did not treat me in the same way - maybe I am missing a gene that means that I respond to be treated in that way (I know I don't have the shopping one for sure!) For a woman, her equivalent of what you are saying is the "all men are bastards" blanket comment - and of course you can see where that comes from. I wonder if women are so used to men treating them badly to get their attention that they just accept that as part of the mating process, the best out of a bad bunch. I don't know, what I do know, is that if someone tried the asshole approach with me, that they would end up with a brush off as I (bloodymindedly) refuse to be treated in that way because I have too much respect for myself and wish that my future partner would have that kind of respect for himself too. Your sister seems to have the right idea ;)
Oh and did you talk to the crying girl?
September 29 2003, 05:29:28 UTC 8 years ago
Hehe. Funny to read about the boy hitting example. I remember when I was about 11 or 12 that some of the boys started hitting the girls when they liked them. I found this a bit odd and I remember some of the adults being rather alarmed by the whole thing. Then what really bent my mind was when I realised that the girls really liked having the boys hit them. I hadn't realised but the girls had been interested in the boys for a couple of years while the boys had no interest in them.... us boys had been more interested in hitting each other. Little did I realise at the time that this was the beginning of a whole new and confusing dimension to life.
Well I like the pattern of, er, relationship development that you describe. My sister followed it with great success. For me it seems to go all wrong. This is my pattern:
I meet a girl I like (very rare), then I find that she is interested in me (about 70% of the time), then we go out and talk lots and get on really well (about 60% of the time), then this goes on for a while, then I start trying to indicate that I'd like to move past the just friends stage, then she says that I'm a really lovely guy but only as a friend and ends everything. We stay in touch and within a month she's dating somebody else. I'm hurt and times passes and slowly I recover. After a year or two has gone by and she ends some bad relationship and indicates that she wants to start seeing me again. At this point I'm not as interested (having been dumped once by her already and in one case twice) and besides we now live in different countries. Years later she will still tell me that I'm one of the most wonderful men she has ever met. I however am just confused.
Women tell me: Oh you just need to meet the right girl. You're a great guy, not like all the other ass holes at all, and I'm sure you'll meet the right girl for you soon.
Men tell me: You don't chase hard enough. You need to treat her more like a sex object. You treat her too much like "just a friend" and that kills any chance of romance. After a while kissing you would be like kissing her brother. And if she ever asks about your previous relationship/sexual experience... lie. When she gets to really know you she won't care that you didn't know what you were doing to start with anyway.
Oh well, this is all a mind exercise for me at the moment as all my energy is going into my work, my romantic energy is close to nil.
September 30 2003, 09:15:36 UTC 8 years ago
I don't think that you should contemplate returning to someone who has rejected you in such a way - that is just cruel.
Another thing... if you have that spark of attraction and are kissing that person then it is highly unlikely that you will turn into some kind of asexual brother figure. Usually the reason this happens (or it is used as a get out clause)is because the spark wasn't there in the first place, or was superficial and would have never worked.
And the experience thing. Personally, I do not think that experience matters because both parties are starting off at the same level, just getting to know each other. What happened before, whether you have had 0 or 100 relationships should not have any kind of influence on the relationship's present or the future. Of course there can be 'scars' from previous relationships but they should not affect the future.
Putting all of your effort into your work is not a bad thing btw, that is what I have been doing for the last 5 years ;)
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September 30 2003, 12:13:52 UTC 8 years ago
I think that the reaction that you got was really immature and cruel. I mean, having a sting of failed relationships/screwing around is not necessarily the best thing to put down as "beneficial experiences" when you start seeing someone new, essentially it is baggage!
As for me, this whole health saga has kind of screwed up my plans as I was hoping to start up my own business with a friend around about now, but it can wait, as can world domination - for the time being anyway ;)
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September 30 2003, 12:59:37 UTC 8 years ago
If you are that worried about what a woman would think, then you could always skirt around it "it doesn't matter, it is now that counts" that kind of thing. I am sure that when you are ready you will be beating them off with a stick :)
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October 1 2003, 15:33:30 UTC 8 years ago
October 1 2003, 23:45:26 UTC 8 years ago